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Deviant for 8 Years
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Letters from a stranger
the Dawsons
put up a bird house near
the public bins,
gold finches have been
stealing breadcrumbs ever since.
Last tuesday the neighbours
upstairs, the doctors, you know
the ones; the flat that
smells like a corpse,
well they flooded the flat.
Frogs have moved in
and theres algae clawing
at the walls.
The ice cream truck doesn't
come down the road,
not after
little Suzie climbed in
and went missing a month ago,
her body lay between
waters and strawberry sauce
in the Ruislip Lido, such a shame
Mum's brought hydrangeas,
pretty purple flowers,
she thinks they could brighten
the place up.
I think you'd like them
if it weren't for the
dead mouse we found
beneath the pot.
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 19 7
Unbridled optimism meets an uncaring universe
We were these
electric beings, the
golden girls, the end
screen starlets who
glimmered like the
city lights beneath
us, swaying on rooftops
like gold plated gods
we were narcotic heart beats
and six shots of
vodka on a sunday afternoon
like morose sun worshippers
roaming the streets like
monroe wannabes searching
for something to take the
edge off the monotony
There was a magic in our madness
our souls were messy
and our eyes were
bright and reckless
we were the wild youth
frantic spirits
who'd come to
the conclusion that
our fifteen minutes
of fame had come
to an end.
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 30 13
People are not medicine
I will thaw out my
frozen ice box of a chest
for you
I will pump and resurrect
the dead tissues
so I can write about you
I will write about your
drug store Romeo smile
and the way you
hold your hands behind
your head like its the only
thing that will stop it
from rolling off your shoulders
I will write about the way
your eyes crinkle in the corners
and the way your dimples are uneven
when you laugh
I will write about the
tiny vampire footprints
you leave on my skin at night
when we're sat outside
on the sidewalk
contemplating Aristotle and Cobain
Like bleary eyed philosophers
I will write about the way
your fingers flex when you're excited
and how your knee
jitters when you're nervous
and how you like
lonely places
because they're so much more
than movie theatres and shopping malls
I will write about you
until I run out of words
and I'm sorry
I'm not poetic enough
to cover the breadth of
your firecracker soul
but I hope you know
this is the best
I can do
and I hope
that's enou
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 42 23
She wrote of love on bathroom stalls
There’s something raw and organic
About the way the human body
Arches and flexes and quivers
In the quiet darkness
Where pants and gasps
Fill the air with a charged pulse
The way the arms curve around the neck
And the flesh pulls against the skin
Taut, bend, flex
There is something honest
About the way
The body does not lie
The toes curl and the hips sway
When the silence is met like a lover
It’s just so fucking real, you know?
The shapes, the curves
Convex, concave then convex
The smearing of the lips
And resistance of the flesh
Whether they be between bed sheets or parked cars
The body lies writhing
The pulse, the sweat and curve of the waist
These are not the musings of the body
But the manifestations of the soul
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 29 42
The human condition of wanting to be everything
I feel as though I am exhausting
The excess skin around
My eyes
in loose shadows
Across my cheekbones like
A wreath.
And whilst I find myself
To draw open the blinds
Because the light
is too bright
And I really can’t handle
The pane of the sky
With its obnoxious
glaring at me
With such a joyful expression
I know that lately
I am burning myself out
That I consume one too many
Cans of soda and energy drinks
At 2.45 AM
When the rest of the world
Is static in a hushed
Comatose state
Whilst I frantically try
To achieve something
Because being
Is too much
Or rather too
An existence for me
So I will continue
This crazed
In order to
Try and destroy myself
Enough so that
I can be w h o l e
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 54 12
on seeking solace in strangers
And she felt like home
her arms gave
way to the sand
castle of her
she was
i loved her for it
i knew
she was a dragon
of a girl
even with
charcoal creases
beneath her eyes
and smudged
from the corners
of her lips
like a faulty tap
to me she was beautiful
like those obscure
lapses in time
at 3.25 AM
with her legs
stretched across the
window sill
smoking my cigarettes
as she let her words
fold themselves
into the quiet
s p a c e s
around us
she still sparkled
with this rebellious
twinkle in her eyes
and those eyes
they felt like home
even when
all the doors
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 40 10
To the boy who cried bitch
Imitation gold
That’s what you called me
The second time we spoke
You said I glittered
But the gold had long since then
Left the contours
Of my jaws
please understand
that I don’t know how to
feel consistently
I am a diffracted spectrum
That knows no bounds
you said I reminded you
of your abusive uncle
and you tried to seek solace and safety
in a girl who belonged to no one
I will not say sorry
for being unable
to conform
to your ideals
you called me a bitch
13 times
since i've known you
6 of which
held anger
I know that I am far too static
And obtrusive
I lack tact and often
Leave a bitter taste in your mouth
And in all honesty
I am
Apathetic to your whining
I pointed it out to you when we first met
Find another shoulder
To cry on
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 41 9
My chest bumps like a drier with shoes in it
lately i've come to feel
like a leap of days that didn't happen
nor had the right to exist,
in the first place.
i can’t help the diffraction of my
veins straining against
the sticky membrane of my skin;
as though they are trying
to reach the sky,
they splinter and groan
under the graceless movements
of my limbs.
i search for cracks beneath
the surface,
prodding and poking
trying to dissect myself with the
precision of shaky hands numbed
by alcohol and one too many painkillers;
i am the surgeon of my own disaster
attempting to reassemble
those caved in xylems.
i tried desperately to
resurrect those broken stems
i gave them a transfusion with my
own fluids
and offered up my own
trachea to try and let them breathe;
but i suppose some things,
much like people,
refuse to be
perhaps the dead should
remain comatose
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 25 17
suburban filth
My life is a joke and
I’m not laughing anymore,
But I swear I’m trying
I really am-
it’s just that
This town has ingrained itself
Into my lungs
To the point where
Pollution is anally fucking me
Right now;
And that’s not poetic,
But it’s true
and it’s honest
But honesty is over rated;
And the truth like god
sounds better in theory
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 21 8
On reality and other fictitious things
I chewed out a piece
Of the sky
Only to
Spit it back out, again.
Maybe I’d be better off
Licking clouds
From my fingers
Rather than
Wiping down your
Bed frame spine
And collapsing your easel
Joints like a puzzle.
I swallowed the
Rains sticky heat
Like a shot
And it burns
Just the same.
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 16 8
Liquor is one way out an'death's the other
The art of growing up,
is to pour shots of whiskey                                            
into your coffee in the morning
to make it through
the day.
when all you want to do
is lie in bed
but there’s nothing
about that
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 173 36
The tragedy of the mook and how it died one day
The fickle sky presses
Against the glass of the windows
And the dry strung up heat of the winter sun
Spilled over the anemic asphalt
Our shadows seared into the bottom of our sneakers
Moving with a sort of blithe nonchalance
Searching for the speckled grey of a familiar horizon
The apathetic footsteps and my clenched hands
Quiver beneath the setting sun’s bloody smear
Across the over populated sky
That was no longer clear
Rather it was the looking glass phenomena
Spread eagled across my retinas
And during those grief stricken days spent
Hanging off your rooftops and skylines
I've contemplated replacing
my heart with another
Liver so I can
Drink more and care less
And I can vow that sleeping is only
For the dead or at least
The heavily medicated and sadly
I can no longer tell the difference between
The two.
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 27 8
The older we get the better we used to be
All we ate that day were 3
Powdered donuts
To stifle the anxious shaking
Of our palms or
At least produce excuses for
The anxiety rustling beneath
Our scarred veins
Tell me
When did the diamonds
Leave your bones
And for how long have
You been expiring without them
Tell me
When did the construction
Of your false reality
Finally fall through
The fragile infrastructure
Of your factitious commentary
Lack the physical manifestation
Of your laboured breathing
Perhaps it's best if we ache
For magic and other childish things
Because the world hurts our eyes
And I don't want to see anymore
The skies are pressing against
Our glass houses and
The sun is bleeding over the rim
Of the bathtub
It's slow dripping
Pelting out a funeral song
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 30 7
on bastardizing poetry and other honest things.
So here’s my two cents on being  
A little more honest,
And maybe a little less reckless(?)
But god I know all too well
The familiar bleeding as
I chew off my lips
In an attempt to smother the incessant noise
Crackling behind my larynx.
I guess it’s easier to fold down my sleeves
Instead of bed sheets,
But fuck,  I don’t know why
I’m trying to convince my shadow
That I’m worth following.
But like rain
It washes away the dirt from my lungs
And replaces the air with
One part cigarette smoke two parts instant coffee
Shit, I never thought
I’d have the symptoms of a depressive
Amalgamated into clichés
Shoving them under the floor boards
And ripping open the ceiling
To breathe, or at least fake it.
But shit
This is supposed to be honest
And I guess the only honest thing about me
Is my ability to stem blood flow
Bastardize poetry
And hide away like a fucking coward.
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 22 5
I wedged the remains of your bus ticket veins
And chloroform sticky notes under the floor boards
Concealing them, out of sight out of mind, but I swear
Sometimes at night I can hear them crunching
Vowels like bones between their molars
Aching for the flesh and thesis of pretty little girls
Filmy and crackling like static between the slopes
Of your shoulders, those quiet spaces between
The short lived confessions and pulpits of your
Half assed convictions and lovers trysts.
Hardly left any room
For the gods to reside in the pieces of heaven
That you scattered across the carpet
Of your apartment floor
in hopes of catching angels between ash trays.
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 30 4
The split second moment when everything collapses
Carve our names into the woodwork
Of your spine so maybe we can force something
Beautiful out of the mud and arteries and synapses
because drowning my sorrows in the last dregs
of cheap coffee leaves the taste of a corpse
between my teeth and cheek
I’ve seen lakes with the bones of drowned poets
In the spaces between your hang dog one liners
And maybe it’s okay to crush clichés between our fingers
And smear them like blood across our cheeks
And run wild like frenzied deer eyed children
The devils headlights
You were full of loose change and receipts
Constantly shifting between the spectrums
Of visible to ultraviolet, you were blinding in the way
That the morning light burns your eyes red until it clears
And you see stars and love when really
It’s sleep deprivation and the balmy film of unconsciousness lingering
In the back of your throat
There was this fleeting apparition about the way
You’d tilt your neck just enough
To make your hair fall in your eye
:icongrew-up-a-screw-up:grew-up-a-screw-up 37 5


Lower City by Chris-Karbach Lower City :iconchris-karbach:Chris-Karbach 355 23 True Love by alexielart True Love :iconalexielart:alexielart 982 49 Description of common case of love  by lora-zombie Description of common case of love :iconlora-zombie:lora-zombie 4,593 192 The Stare part 2 by Zombiesmile The Stare part 2 :iconzombiesmile:Zombiesmile 5,855 633 The Stare by Zombiesmile The Stare :iconzombiesmile:Zombiesmile 7,803 1,390 Face Painting by Zombiesmile Face Painting :iconzombiesmile:Zombiesmile 9,841 767 Matte Painting for KOR3 by PATLAU Matte Painting for KOR3 :iconpatlau:PATLAU 152 3 Times Square-digital painting by S-A--K-I Times Square-digital painting :icons-a--k-i:S-A--K-I 105 43 Cityscape by Mr--Einikis Cityscape :iconmr--einikis:Mr--Einikis 175 25 Smuget by AM-Markussen Smuget :iconam-markussen:AM-Markussen 175 69 New Heights by RichardDorran New Heights :iconricharddorran:RichardDorran 1,152 50 Babel 02 by duster132 Babel 02 :iconduster132:duster132 5,714 303 abandoned city by poibuts abandoned city :iconpoibuts:poibuts 6,945 299 Cat Attack by Zombiesmile Cat Attack :iconzombiesmile:Zombiesmile 14,185 1,426 A convo with a (heartbroken) 13-yr old by Katkat-Tan A convo with a (heartbroken) 13-yr old :iconkatkat-tan:Katkat-Tan 265 106


4 days late and one year older

Journal Entry: Wed Nov 26, 2014, 9:25 AM
Hi guys

Um, so long time no speak, see, communicate.
It's been a really long time and things have happened,
as they always do.

So, my birthday was on Saturday and I've read all of your birthday messages,
they made me so happy and I have no words to express the joy they gave me.
I'd also like to say thank you to svenspade09 for giving me a premium membership
(you're so awesome thank you so much!).
So, um I finally finished my finals and did well in all of my subjects aside from bio
since someone I used to be friends with contacted me at 12 pm and played the 
victim and tried to paint me to be a villain, but I digress.
So friendships have been fractured, literally a few days before my birthday.
Uh, my newspaper apprenticeship has been going well, on Wednesday last week I went
to a protest to abolish tuition fees in the Uk to get material for this months article.
I got a camera from my birthday, a canon eos 1200D. The image quality is impeccable,
and I've just about figured it out.
It was a good day, on my birthday that is.

So, the reason for my absence and inability to write something that isn't complete shit is because
well, for starters November is never a good month for me, it's full of sadness and it's when my depression
normally spikes. Um so my mother told me to perhaps talk to my college student counselor, so I spoke to a 
teacher and now I'm on the waiting list.
Um, and the woman who I'm supposed to talk to until I can actually talk to a proper therapist thinks I might
have an eating
One of the friends I made from college is a recovering bulimic and she's been showing concern for my
eating's out of kindness and concern but it kinda freaks me out when she threatens to kill herself if
I don't eat like normal people.
My mother also commented on my weight, since I'd ordered a black dress a few weeks ago, she said I looked sick,
like a bag of bones...we had heated arguments about the whole food thing...she's stopped mentioning it, for now.
which I'm grateful for. I hope it lasts.
I think I'm fine. I'm a little underweight but it's not too bad, and I eat enough in my opinion. I'm not that thin,
the woman who I'm speaking to said I have "meat on my legs",  when I brought this up to my friend
she pointed out the woman's weight. I digress.
so I've been trying to clear my head, trying to keep on top of work, trying and trying and trying.

I'm going to try and write so I can actually post something here.
I'm sorry for not responding to you guys.
I'm sorry for constantly apologizing. 

I hope you're all okay, have a great week.

  • Listening to: island fox-come with me
  • Reading: the electric kool aid acid test
  • Drinking: coffee


grew-up-a-screw-up's Profile Picture
Artist | Student | Varied
United Kingdom
So this is where I write something about myself in which you (the person reading this) will judge my character on. I generally don' t like filling these things in since I feel narcissistic and I never really know what to write about in here anyway. I mean I just learn about myself and that's rather dull in my opinion. So, how are you? Are you having an okay day? If not I hope you have a lovely day anyway. If you really are interested in knowing "me" then note me and I can learn about you too, it'll be like an exchange and it'll be not only more fair but fun!

Journal History



Add a Comment:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
happy early birthday, dear sophie! :tighthug: :heart: :iconrainbowcakeplz: you are dearly missed and i hope you have a lovely day! 
TheCrow33 Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the favs ^.^
TheCrow33 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the favs Sophie ^.^ hope u are well
svenspade09 Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2014
belated happy birthday
grew-up-a-screw-up Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2014  Student General Artist
thank you so much!
svenspade09 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2014
You're welcome glad to see your alive and kicking. :D
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Happy birthday :heart:
grew-up-a-screw-up Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you!
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome!
PrinceCalil Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy birthday!~
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